American Masculinity, Kitten Heels, And Bedbugs: A List of Things That Need to Die

Here's a picture of me from the internet that a lot of people liked/thought was pretty. 

Here's a screenshot of a Facebook status that I wrote that people liked/seem to think was funny.

It's been brought to my attention on a few occasions that people like me/what I do on the internet because I'm cute and funny but that I'm not as attractive when I talk about politics or my own opinions. So, I just wanted to remind you how cute and funny I am and also I'd like to tell you why traditional masculinity needs to die.

HEY MEN OF AMERICA. I don't want you to die. Let's make that clear. Although sometimes, now that I think of it, I kinda feel like you want me to die...you know, when I see the rise in college campus rape/ when you tell me what I can and cannot do with my body/when you threaten repeatedly to take away my affordable healthcare (here's lookin' at you, specifically old, white guys in Congress!)/ when I learn the number of American women murdered by their current or ex male partners between 2001-2012 is nearly DOUBLE the number of American troops killed in that same timeframe in Afghanistan and Iraq in combat (6,488.) All that makes me feel like you want me to die...

But I digress. I don't want you (men) to die. I need you. You know, for sex. I just want your hangup on masculinity to die. I want it to be taken out with the trash and separated into recyclables and then I want it TO NEVER BE RECYCLED AGAIN AND JUST END UP IN A MASSIVE TRASH DUMP SOMEWHERE IN JERSEY WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE.  

What does letting masculinity "die" mean? Well, it means that my friends and I (the female and female-identifying bunch)  no longer want to cater to your fragile egos. We don't want to hear anymore stories about how it's "not your fault" that you are "emotionally stifled" because your father used to tell you to "man up" when you would cry. That sucks, brah, but let's get thee to a therapist and move forward with purpose. We don't want to hear the tired mantra "boys will be boys" ever again. If your behavior is piss poor, it's no longer an excuse. 

We don't need you to be strong (we have Handy.com now), we don't need you to provide for us (we have jobs), we don't need you to be the ultimate decision maker (we are capable of free will/rational thought. Pretty sure the first Homo erectus to discover fire was a very cold, problem-solving woman.) 

We need you to get loud and angry and vilify the Harvey Weinsteins of this world. The men who abuse their power and status to physically and sexually assault women. Please stop saying "well that's not me and I wouldn't do that." Support us, speak up, admonish those of your sex that think women are property and can be 1) lied to 2) sexually assaulted and 3) paid off and silenced without any serious repercussions for their predator behavior. 

We need you to take the paternity leave when you have children. We need you to be an active and instrumental figure in your children's upbringing. We need you raise young boys to respect women, to respect our bodies and our minds, and to treat us as equals. We need you to lead the next generation into a state of peaceful acceptance that the future of men is women.

So let's allow old, traditional masculinity to just fuckin die. I'm good. You're good without it too, I promise. We need you to do this for us so that we can save the world.

We also need you to prioritize the female orgasm. Just do it. Everyone will win.